I want to start off this post by saying that this is a deeply personal writing though at first glance it may seem trivial or attention grabbing. What I am putting out here is what is going on in my life at the moment. Please look beyond the title, beyond the “ridiculousness” it may at first appear to be.
One of the things that has been the focus of my attention for the past 6 months or so is the sasquatch phenomenon. For anyone that has gotten to know me for any length of time this will come as no great shock. I have certainly had a strong interest in the topic for quite a while and every now and then it comes back with a vengeance. I’m sure that there are folks that will read this and immediately scoff and/or snicker. Before doing that however, ask yourself if you have ever given the topic more than a cursory look or just have assumed that it shouldn’t exist therefore it doesn’t.
What if you knew nothing of aquatic life and I told you that there was a primitive fish in Lake Champlain that had a mouth full of teeth, was capable of breathing air and would swim up to a boat and look you in the eye? Or that it would defend its babies ruthlessly, even going so far as to jump up and bite the bow of a boat? Sounds incredulous, yet the bowfin is a real, biological creature, one that I am very familiar with.
Once you peel back the layers of the onion and look at the evidence, the phenomenon starts taking shape as a real biological entity, albeit one that is extremely rare and is incredibly elusive. It is likely that it does all it can to avoid mankind because it recognizes the threat that we are to it. Delve into the works of Greene, Krantz, Meldrum and others (I would highly recommend The Phenomenal Sasquatch by Matt Pruitt as a great starting point), look at the work that Dr Henner Fahrenbach, The Olympic Project or the North American Wood Ape Conservancy (their mission statement in particular is excellent, and the story of Tag 7 is compelling to say the least) and I would suggest a listen to Bigfoot and Beyond for a great combination of storytelling, education, science, skepticism and humor.
As I was out and about today, doing a bit of fishing (something that hasn’t been easy as of late, more on that later), I started thinking about why the deep dive into all things bigfoot? It really all started as an escape. The past year has been one of the most difficult periods of my life.
A bit of background here. I have never been married. Never had children. I haven’t had a truly supportive partner, perhaps ever. I fish, I work, I do my thing. People come in and out of my life and for a lot of reasons, I never have found someone to settle down with. Part of that has to do with the lack of desire to have children I have had throughout my life. The reasons for that are my own but if you know me well, you understand.
In late summer 2023 an amazing woman came into my life. She was full of light, an open heart, so supportive, and her smile melted me… she opened up a new world for me. She is a mother and was very cautious about introducing me to her daughter. I knew how much they loved each other and that made everything about them both so much more special. I was introduced into a whole new world I had never truly been privy to before. She started fishing with me, took an interest in the things I enjoyed, and we had mutual interests. We really liked spending time together. We were starting to talk about plans. I thought, wow, maybe I have finally met someone that gets me.
Then the limp started. At first it seemed to be a flare up of an old back injury but physical therapy didn’t improve anything. More visits to the doctor. Then an MRI. A brain tumor, an aggressive chronic variety. For an amazing mother in her 30’s with a young daughter.
I won’t share all the details of what happened during treatment but I can say without hesitation that almost everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I bought a newer car and put thousands of miles on it commuting to provide help and support. I did all I was able to do which didn’t seem enough to me but I work a full time job and guide on the side. I also live over an hour away from her.
She changed. How could she not? She was facing an unfathomable situation. It was a tragedy that I had never been in proximity to. I was doing my best for her and I was trying to keep myself together. I was there at least a couple of days a week. Phone calls twice a day. Helping around the house. I needed something. A mystery. An escape.
Sasquatch.
Podcasts gave me an outlet during my drive times. I had a way to escape into one of the greatest unsolved phenomena of our time. I dug in hard. I started listening, reading, devouring media. I visited local areas with sightings. I talked with friends. I needed something else to think about. A way to escape the fear, the anger, the frustration and the pain. I was losing her and there was nothing I could do about it. Even worse, she was losing everything.
Then in early March I was with her and her daughter for a full day at the hospital for appointments. This was a pretty regular thing. We were in a waiting room and I checked my email. I got exciting news. My editor wrote to me that he wanted to start working on the cover of my book, a book I had been working on during the early stages of her diagnosis. I told her about it. The response was “I thought you already did that.”
I started to explain what was going on. She turned her face from me, looked at her daughter and started talking to her, speaking over me, ignoring what I was saying. That moment crushed me, I felt unheard. It wasn’t something that happened before her diagnosis but became more frequent as time went on.
One aspect of my life that I have always had a hard time with is feeling like I am being heard, like I matter, that I am being acknowledged. It has been a theme throughout all of my life. I have worked on letting this need/want go, and I am able to do that to a certain extent at times. Once people genuinely stop listening to me, once my voice seems to fall on deaf ears, I need to step away. I need to do that for me. It is part of my defense mechanism for better or worse. I used to just stick around people that treated me that way and I learned how damaging that was to me. It isn’t a foolproof method but it makes a big difference.
So just before turning 55 in March I stepped away. Our communication slowed to a trickle. I needed to reclaim myself and give her the space to figure out what she needs to do. But the guilt and hurt I feel for putting myself first has been overwhelming. I feel like a terrible person. I was providing a lot of support but didn’t feel like I had any reciprocation. It wasn’t a tenable situation. I know that. It doesn’t change the guilt, the self doubt, the anger at the situation, at myself.
And I am scared. Scared what will happen to her, to her daughter, to the family that I almost had. I am scared for my mom who has been dealing with some serious health issues.
I am scared because I am a naturalized American citizen originally from Canada. Seeing news reports of the person in power saying he wants to strip naturalized citizens of their citizenship is terrifying. I became an American citizen because I was afraid of the potential of being deported. I have been in the US since I was 3. If I am sent back to Canada I lose EVERYTHING.
And I feel old. I am in terrible shape. I am constantly on the verge of tears. My physical fitness is the worst it has ever been. I am eating poorly. Sleep isn’t always restful, when it comes at all. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My desire to fish isn’t there. My desire to fish isn’t there. That has been a mainstay of my life. I tie flies still. I like the act of creation. I like to keep my fingers busy.
And I haven’t talked to someone that I love deeply for almost a month. I don’t know how to talk to her. I don’t know what to say to her. I was ready to call today and didn’t know how to do it. I am truly sorry for that. I am truly sorry for not knowing, for my paralysis.
I was walking next to the Poultney River thinking about these things this morning. I wasn’t fishing. I was in the area closest to me that has had the most frequent sasquatch sightings. Where I had something unusual happen to me. Was I looking for bigfoot? Kind of, not really.
I really kind of envy the folks that go out and put real effort into field research in the sasquatch world. They are putting the legwork into solving a true mystery, to bring proof of the existence of a bipedal primate in North America to science and the world. I’ll get out there now and then to see what I can see. I don’t know how much of a concerted effort I will make if I am honest with myself.
You see, I came to the realization today that my explorations and pondering on the hairy man are a metaphor for trying to figure out who I am. The difference is that one of those mysteries will someday be solved, perhaps sooner than you think if the North Carolina State University DNA Study yields any interesting results. As far as the other question, that may prove to be far more elusive.
And as far as that special woman goes… if she ever needs me, I will be there. I want to be.